Toddler Tantrums

What do you do when... your toddler throws a tantrum in a supermarket?

Shout You are furious! You rant and rave at the child, which makes the tantrum worse. Everyone in the supermarket stares at you. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It is a natural and necessary emotion, too. There is nothing wrong in being angry. Accept that you and your toddler are likely to get angry sometimes. But there is a difference between being in control of your anger and out of control. A toddler tantrum is anger out of control.

Anger is an intense emotion and your toddler may be frightened by it. By saying to him or her 'I know you may be feeling angry' you are letting them know that you understand what they are feeling. Shouting can help you get your child's attention but then lower your voice and try to adopt a calmer tone. More shouting will only make your child more frightened.

You could try saying 'I'm angry too' in a level voice. This lets the child know you are angry without 'dumping' your anger on her or him, although it may not stop the tantrum. You may be having a bad day/week/month. Try to avoid blaming it all on the toddler. Try to avoid calling your child names like, 'stupid', 'useless' and so on. This is hurtful to a child and may make her or him even more upset.

Hitting Out You have reached the end of your tether and you smack the child. Hitting a child will not stop the tantrum. And, apart from the risk of causing physical damage to the child, there is a risk of emotional damage as well. Punishing a child will not stop the tantrum. Accept that a tantrum is a natural thing in a young child; it is anger out of control.

A toddler tantrum happens when a little person is overwhelmed by very big emotions. Hitting a child does not let them know why their behaviour is unacceptable nor does it show them how they can improve it next time. Think about alternative ways of dealing with a tantrum. (Also read Toddler tips.) This may be a one-off – you lost your temper – but do learn to manage your anger. Talk to your GP if you want to find help locally or try our Parentline on 0808 800 2222 or Samaritans useful.

Buy sweets You give the child a 'softener', something you hope will calm her or him down. If a child is having a tantrum, try to avoid giving in to their emotional demands. This may be a quick fix but try not to use this tactic long term. Used often, your child may begin to think that his or her 'bad' behaviour is being rewarded. Have a drink or snack with you in case a child is genuinely hungry or thirsty or just wants something to chew on. If you want to try distracting him or her before the full blown tantrum, you may want to have or toy or something handy.

Say 'No!' You refuse to give in to your toddler's tantrum. You say 'No' in a firm, calm voice and keep repeating it. Keeping calm and in control shows your toddler that you are not overwhelmed by his or her emotions and while he or she feels out of control, you are in control. During her tantrum he or she may not be able to hear you but sometimes by speaking slowly and quietly, you can help calm the situation. Being firm will help your toddler know what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviour is not acceptable. Watch our video and get tips and advice on dealing with toddler tantrums.

Ask for help You know you've reached the end of your tether and just can't cope. You might do something dangerous: to the toddler, yourself or others. Wherever possible, it is better to ask for help than to keep everything bottled up and suffer alone. Or at least talk to someone. This will help to alleviate your own distress and will help you feel more able to deal with your toddler. Try calling Parentline on 0808 800 2222 or textphone 0800 783 6783. Try give yourself a break sometimes:

• go for a walk or swim
• burn some oils or incense
• sit down with a cuppa
• read the paper
• watch your favourite TV programme.

These suggestions will give you a chance to recharge batteries. If it feels like you just can't think straight, try making an appointment with your GP to see if there is any help you can get locally. Help is at hand though if you do feel that it is all getting too much you could try Parentline on 0808 800 2222 or email support.

Ignore it You decide not to give in to the tantrum and show your toddler this by ignoring it. Your attitude is all-important here. There is a big difference between staying calm and intentionally ignoring the tantrum and pretending it isn't happening. The former is dealing with it, rather than denying it. The tantrum may carry on, or it may subside. Either way, try to stay calm, put up with it and not give in. also, try to avoid worrying about what other shoppers may think of you and your child. Many of them will have had children themselves and know what you are going through. When the tantrum calms down, you could try talking to your toddler.

Talk In a calm, clear voice, you say to the screaming child: 'I know you're still very upset and angry but the answer is still "No"'. Sometimes just acknowledging the child's feelings in this way can help — the child's feelings might erupt at first but things might then subside a little. It also helps a child feel cared for at a time when she or he is feeling out of control, which can be scary, and can cause them even greater distress. You need to be feeling strong and calm inside to take this option. Ideally, you can then talk to the child while still carrying on with your shopping. Another option is to hold the child firmly but gently while talking to him or her. Get down to their level while talking.

Have a hug You get down to their eye level and hug your child. A child having a tantrum may just want your attention and giving the child a hug might help. However, this will not work if the child has already too far gone in the tantrum. Sometimes this can make the situation worse. A hug may not stop a tantrum, but holding a child firmly and gently while talking to him or her in a clear voice may help the child understand that you are not giving in to the tantrum. You and your child may enjoy a loving cuddle after the tantrum has subsided. You may need to explain that you know she was angry but still the behaviour was not acceptable. Let him or her know what they can do next time when they are feeling frightened or angry. Give your child the words to let you know how he or she feels.