i split up with my daughters dad 3 years ago - she is now 13 and my son is 9. they now see him every other weekend and for tea on mondays and wednesdays , we now live with my partner. just recently she has stated that she is not happy at home and wants to live with her dad - he only lives 5 mins away - so would not disrupt school or friends. i have tried to dicuss with her why and she said she did not get along with my partner - as he tells her off!! The most he has ever said is 'please turn of the light' or ' can you help tidy the kitchen' after dinner. its a poor excuse. she says she would be happier round her dads ( i think she thinks she will get away with more and have more freedom) but my worry is that he works long hours and there would be no one there when she gets home from school sometimes up to 8 pm at night. She has discussed it with him and even though he says to me the best place for her is at home with me - he wont actually tell her that and says ' we will all have to talk about it' he says to me ' i cant say no as she will resent me' - so as far as she is concerned after xmas she is going to live with him. She is very stubborn and i know if she went there is no point in hoping it wont work as she will be too stubborn to say ' i made a mistake can i come back'.
Recently she has started lying about where she is and with who - and i have found cigeretttes in her school bag but feel i cannt apporach her about it as i should not have been going through her school bag! Also she will just throw the whole ; this is why i want to live with dad' at me!
It hurts so much that she wants to go - i think deep down she blames me for the split. Some frineds have said to let her go if thats what will make her happy - but i worry about what she will get up to as she will be left to own devises, her dad cant see all these problems as she is the perfect child when she is round there. Please help with any advise at all
Hi
First of all {{{hugs}}}
We are in exactly the same boat, however my daughter has gone to live with grandparents.
She says the same thing about my new partner (we've been married for 3 years!), about him shouting at her but again its just things like "Can you pop this in the dishwasher please" etc so I know that they can overreact big time!
My daughters behaviour just got worse and worse and she moved in with grandparents a month ago. It hurt so bad and I worry all the time - not that she's not looked after, because she is but because she doesn't want to speak to me (guilt), and I feel I have no say in her life!
However, the alternative was just too awful - she was starting to get abusive, lying, stealing, stroppy etc and after the FAB advice from people on here I am having a break and letting the grandparents deal with it for a while. It will be a shock to their system eventually because she will act up for them too, when the honeymoon is over!
However, it has taken me a month to be okay with it so its not an easy option by far.
Could your daughter go to your house after school and her father pick her up when he's home from work? Then you know she's looked after, but she thinks she's getting what she wants! It also then lets you have a part in her life every day. It might appease her for a while until she realises its not all fun at Dads!!
If you want to chat let me know! I know exactly how you feel!
Thnaks so much for you reply - it does help to know i am not the only one out there........... after much conversations wiith my parents and her dad we are going to try and negotiate with her that she spends more time with her dad = week with me - week with him, i could manage that and she would then be getting the best of both........
I do worry about her intentions for going - the other day when i made a joke that if she lived with dad she would not have her own ensuite (she does with us) and that she would be home alone alot - she just said - i dont care about the ensuite im going to dads coz he will let me do whatever i want. So my parents have said 'let her go' she will learn quick enough and to jsut make sure i tell her that she is welcome back if it dont work -
I hope your situation resolves itself soon - is she talking to you yet?
im sure its not easy for either of you...sometimes kids feel left out when a new partner comes into their mums life... its feels like someone else is taking over and it hard for them and the way to express such feelings they rebel.... me personaly i would not allow my partner to shout at my children nor tell them what to do especially if they come into their lives at a later stage such as teenage years ... if you trully want her to be happy and to remain at home then take time to talk with her and let her know that u do love her even tho u have a partner.. then let her tell u the things she doesnt accept like about your partner and see if u both can compromise and come to some agreement so that everyone is happy....all the best(((hugs))
I am so sorry for you, tonight had similar with my daughter who has said she is going to ring social services and related back over the last five years and how I split up her family.
She thinks I have the issues and should look at myself, your words seem so real, the OMG and the banning from MSN, it all seems okay until the real sanctions are made. There is no respect for anything. Last week she decided to decant nearly abottle of white wine out of the fridge into a drinks container and when I realised what was going on hid it under her bed. There has been no remorse or anything to acknowledge that she was wrong, if it had got to school with her that day was it to be drunk at school or on a sleep over that night?
A big virtual hug to you.
