6min read
Different routines
Every family has different ways of doing things and often this is not a negative thing. Most children can manage new rules in different places, if they are clear about what’s expected of them. Being able to do this will help your children grow up and learn how to be adaptable. However, we do understand that some rules do need to be similar on issues such as bedtimes, behaviour and downtime as this gives the child consistency and routine.
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Being consistent with your children
Your children will benefit from having some consistency in their environments, Sit down with your ex and talk about the things you both think are important. Try to come to an agreement about what stays the same, and what can be left as 'the way we do it differently'. Being flexible is important and you may both find yourself considering your own rules. Likewise, it can feel difficult to change certain family customs around special celebration days. This is because the new way of doing things is a reminder of the way things have changed, and this can be upsetting.
Talk to your children
Talk with your children and with your ex partner about the importance of family tradition and how this makes us feel secure. When they understand why changes to family traditions or routines upset them, you may be able to agree a new formula that combines the best of both old and new. This way, you can help to manage their expectations about what their routines will be from now on.
Gifts and presents
The issue of presents is a common one for causing bad feeling after a separation. Some parents may use presents to say sorry or to make up for what has happened. This is not usually a helpful tactic - children need love, security and attention far more than gifts. Since objects never fill the gap, they may get into an impossible spiral of wanting more and more that never actually satisfies. Acknowledge your ex-partner's love for them and desire to do what is best but explain that expensive presents are not what they need. Time and attention would be far more effective in helping everyone to settle smoothly into the new arrangements.
Singing from the same hymn sheet
After a divorce or separation, it's important for both parents to set consistent boundaries with their children. This can give the child stability and routine during such a change in their family life. When both parents are on the same page regarding rules and expectations, children feel more secure and understand what is expected of them. This shows the child that the parents are working together which helps to minimise confusion and issues with their wellbeing. If a child can see potential conflict, they may play one parent off against the other in a bid to get their own way. This is not healthy for them in the long run and may cause painful emotions later. Therefore, working together with the other parent to set agreed boundaries is a positive way forward and in the child’s best interests.
Further resources
If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@familylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service or message us via WhatsApp on 07441 444125 to connect with experienced professional family support workers and highly-trained volunteers. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free self-guided online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting.
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