Coping with Christmas when separated

How you might be feeling

This situation can be distressing and tense and it can really help to talk to someone about how you feel. Some non-resident parents who call us are sad that they can’t watch their children open their presents at Christmas. From a legal point of view, it can be very frustrating for non-resident parents if the resident parent doesn’t grant access over Christmas, but it may be possible to come to an informal arrangement.

Making long-term plans

Reaching a long term deal and being flexible will work to everyone’s benefit. A separated mother said: “My eldest daughter is going to be with her dad for Christmas day this year. I'm going to miss her terribly but need to be fair to her dad. It might sound a bit extreme, but I find it helps to plan what will happen at Christmas a year ahead. I have a rota with my daughter's dad as to who has her when. It doesn’t make it less painful not being with her when it's not my turn, but it makes it easier to plan early celebrations and visits to relatives so no-one feels they're missing out."

Working together and developing resources like a shared calendar or discussing taking time off from work can achieve this goal. These efforts can help children feel more settled and alleviate any worries they may have. Additionally, this demonstrates to children how to handle challenging situations and have stronger relationships. By reducing conflicts, this can support children's emotional health and wellbeing.

Creating special memories

The time that you do spend with your children over Christmas should be special. Many separated parents try to outdo each other, which is likely to lead to stress and disappointment, as you often can’t live up to the expectations and may end up feeling second best. Similarly, non-resident parents sometimes feel that they must compete with their children’s other parent when it comes to buying presents. When one parent is spending a large amount on expensive gifts, or taking the children on a costly holiday, the other parent may feel that he or she can’t offer the same amount. This can lead to heartache, as parents may feel like they have let their children down if they cannot afford to compete.

Spending Christmas without the children

Experiencing Christmas without your children can be really upsetting as you may feel a sense of loss especially if you see other families together. It's important to focus on self-care and plan activities that you enjoy or spend time with friends or family members.  Additionally, volunteering or helping others in need can provide a good distraction. Remember, this is just a day or two and then things can get back to normal.