Effective co-parenting through lockdown and beyond

Co-parenting during lockdown

Divorce and separation are significant life changes. All separating couples crave information about what is ‘normal’ in their situation, and what is legally fair and in the best interests of their family.

Figuring out what is fair for your own family in the middle of a significant life change is tough but doing so when every aspect of your normal routine is up ended is almost impossible. So, I’m going to focus first on co-parenting through lockdown, and then move on to look at co-parenting more broadly.

Lockdown created huge challenges for separating families. On the one hand, we were all told, unequivocally, that the safest place to be was at home. Most of us were working from home and avoiding going out except for exercise. So understandably many parents felt concerned about making the right choices for their children moving between homes.

Messages for separating parents

Do not feel guilty: Divorce and separation are normal and common life changes. 42% of marriages end in divorce. Divorce itself is not harmful to children. It is how we approach it that will affect how children are impacted.

De-stigmatise divorce: Resist the overwhelming temptation to ascribe blame. This is a life change, and it may not be your choice, but it does not mean you made the wrong choice to start a relationship with this person or that you don’t still share good memories. Don’t allow the ending to taint everything which went before- these are your life experiences too. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the emotion of what is happening give yourself time to seek professional support. There are some fantastic counsellors and coaches who can you help you process the emotional side. If you are the one looking to push ahead, be patient. You may be ‘emotionally ready’ much sooner than your ex. If you go at their pace, they will then be ready for the constructive adult conversations you’ll need to have about the legal and practical implications of your new separated lives.

Don’t rush to instruct lawyers: This may sound bizarre coming from a barrister! But it’s true. If your safety is at risk then of course seek urgent legal advice, but thankfully for the vast majority of couples this is not the case. Do not rush into an adversarial process. Take time to process the emotion and start to communicate and visualise the new normal that you would like to create for you and your family. When the time comes to involve a lawyer you should be in a place where you are directive, and you know what you want to achieve from the legal process.

What would a Court view as fair with regards to the arrangements for our children or the division of our finances? So many now opt for joint legal advice (called One Couple One Lawyer) whereby couples share one impartial lawyer who advises them both. Whatever option you take, be sure to take legal advice as these are important decisions with big ramifications, but do not allow the legal process, particularly the adversarial legal process with solicitors acting for each of you, to make your relationship worse or break down the communication between the two of you.

Communicate: So much can be solved (and irretrievably lost) through the extent to which co-parents can continue to talk to each other about their children. You will be co-parents for the rest of your lives. Take the time to learn strategies now to enable you to talk regularly about your children. There are some excellent co-parenting consultants who will help you develop techniques to work together through the years ahead.

Be aware of the impact on your children, but don’t let that overwhelm you: Children are adversely affected by their parents being in sustained and hostile conflict. The studies are clear, and its common sense to all of us. Be aware that you are providing an example of how to resolve conflict, and be in conflict, to your children. So the better you do it, the better for them (as well as for you). But don’t be too hard on yourself! Separation is a life change and any life change can be tough at times. There will be moments when you don’t keep your cool and you are not your best self- that happens to all of us for a whole range of reasons: work stress, anxiety, exhaustion. But if you are feeling overwhelmed, and are unable to communicate with your ex in a civil way, stage an early intervention and get help, before it becomes engrained. And please don’t be afraid to get your children support if they need it- sometimes a counsellor to talk to can be a really useful and effective tool for children to come to terms with their own emotions, and to realise that they do not have to pick sides in this new family structure. 

Treat divorce as a shared problem: When the time comes to get legal advice, approach it in the same way a Judge would- focus on finding a solution which is fair for each of you and in the best interests of your children and our family as a whole. Take the time to formulate a parenting plan, looking at issues which may arise in the longer term. There will be big challenges, and moments of joy, ahead: school choices, religion, exams, teenage rebellion, health hurdles: if you can treat these as shared challenges you will lighten the load on yourself and enable your children to be spared the emotional fallout which inevitably comes from seeing their parents in serious and repeated conflict.