Coping with school holidays when separated

As your children count down to their well-earned break from school, it can be a difficult time for parents – particularly if you’re bringing up children alone. All parents can find themselves facing complicated childcare arrangements, financial pressures and trying to keep bored children occupied but, for those parenting alone, these issues are often magnified. Disagreements about where the children will spend time can flare up, reminding everyone that family life has changed and this can be a painful process.We have put together the following tips, for parents by parents to help take the pressure off the school holidays.

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Getting organised

Make a list of all the school holiday dates and how much childcare is needed so that your ex and extended family can understand the situation, especially if you are also juggling work and annual leave. Include childcare scheme costs so that all parties can come to some negotiation. Seeing the situation from each other's perspective can help relieve any hostilities that might be brewing.

If you have negotiated a plan for the year or a period of time add the dates to a calendar for your children. If children feel they have contributed to the plan or know where they will be at a particular time, they will hopefully feel more at ease during the transition stages from one home to the other. Spread days together out over the school holidays so both parents have a chance to spend quality time with children.

Consulting your ex about holidays

If plans need to be changed remember to consult your ex, especially before booking anything. If both parties make an effort to be considerate it will make a big difference to the children. Don’t use contact or time together as a bargaining ploy. You may no longer be partners but you are forever parents, and your children need you to co-parent even if you no longer live together. Try to be as fair as you can with your ex-partner and remember that your children’s school holidays may clash with that of step or half siblings.

When your ex spends time with your children

You may feel resentful and hurt about your child spending time with the other parent, particularly at first but share those feelings with another adult, not your child. Children can pick up on our feelings and can be torn between parents, feel guilty and confused and may react by avoiding one parent or lashing out at the other.

When your children do go off with your ex, you may feel a mixture of emotions from loneliness to relief. It's ok to feel relieved – it’s tough bringing up children alone and you deserve a break. When the children go, your home will seem exceptionally quiet so try to make the most of the time by catching up with friends or doing something for yourself.

Celebrating special days

Some holidays will have greater significance than others such as festivals, birthdays or special days. Co-parenting during special days like Christmas and birthdays requires open communication and flexibility to ensure both parents and children feel valued and included. It may help to create a shared calendar and set expectations in advance. This can help co-parents to minimise stress and confusion, allowing for a more enjoyable holiday experience for everyone involved.It can work by sharing contact on the day so for example, children can spend Xmas eve and Xmas morning with one parent and then be picked up for Xmas afternoon and evening. If this is too difficult to do for reasons such as distance, etc. then perhaps co-parents can take turns every year. It is important to put the child's needs first and not use this as a reason to have conflict. Working together is what helps a child feel at ease and adjust to the changes. Our article on coping with festive holidays.is a helpful read. 

Travelling abroad

If you or your ex wants to take the kids on holiday you may feel anxious, especially if the plan is to go abroad. Clear communication such as sharing information, itineraries, contact details and things such as how well your children can swim or what factor suncream they will need, will help put both parents at ease. Try to keep in touch whilst on holiday even if it’s a quick video call or text.

If plans need to be changed, remember to consult your ex-partner, especially before booking anything. If both parties make an effort to be considerate it will make a big difference to the children. Don’t use contact or time together as a bargaining ploy. You may no longer be partners, but you are forever parents, and your children need you to co-parent even if you no longer live together. Try to be as fair as you can with your ex-partner and remember that your children’s school holidays may clash with other plans so be flexible and work together.

Further resources

If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@familylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service, which is open, Monday to Friday between 10.30am and 9pm. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting. 

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Last updated: August 2024