Talking about sex

How to start the conversation

It is important to be open with your children about sex and relationships. Teenagers who talk to their parents about these issues are more likely to be responsible in their relationships and to wait longer to have sex for the first time. They are also more likely to use contraception.

Teenagers learn about sex and relationships in many ways - from their friends, television or the internet.  The different messages they hear can be confusing and that is why it’s important for parents to give their teenagers the chance to talk about what they know, or don't know and what choices they have, whatever their own views are. 

Young people say they want their parents to talk to them about relationships, responsibilities and values and not just about biology. They may find it hard to talk about or feel embarrassed. Be reassuring, start the conversation at a time when you are both relaxed and getting on okay, not during an argument or when either of you are feeling annoyed about something. Listen to and talk with them, not at them. If they don't seem ready to talk, don't start nagging or laying down the law. Once you've broken the ice, next time you say something it may be much easier. 

All children are different. Adapt how you talk and listen, especially when talking about risky behaviour including sex. Some teenagers prefer reading information whilst others find it easier to talk things through.  Most will need more than one conversation.  Being open and available when needed is extremely important.

"I said - I'm too young to be a granddad. That got us talking!"

Keep an open mind. Your teenager may be confused about their sexuality and feelings. They may worry that no-one will be interested in them, or that they don't seem to be interested in sex. They may know or think that they are bisexual, lesbian or gay. You may feel shocked, upset or even angry - but they deserve your respect and support whatever your opinion about their sexuality. 

Young people often talk about being pressured into early sex and they need help in delaying until they feel it is right for them. Open discussion can help them think things through and give them the confidence to resist these pressures. The majority of young people don't have sex before 16.  Those who do are much more likely to regret it and not use contraception. Some parents worry that sex education at school encourages young people to have sex early. There is no evidence that this is the case and there is plenty of evidence that Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) helps young people be more aware of risks and how to make safe choices.