The importance of communicating with teenagers

Connecting with your teen

We tend to consider the importance of big talks about significant topics with teens, but the ability to connect when it really matters is often based on the ability to connect when it doesn't. The way you relate to them in day-to-day life will make it easier - or harder - to sort out the key issues.

We can get locked into unhelpful ways of communicating - bickering, nagging, criticising - that once we're in are hard to avoid. Your teenager may still need your guidance and the boundaries that you draw and hold, but you may have to get tactical to get this across. How you assert your authority may need to be different when dealing with an authority-averse teen rather than an automatically respectful child. 

Your teenager still needs to know you are interested but watchful, that you care and are on their side, even if you don't always agree with them. You need to have the skill and the emotional resilience to go on offering help, even in the face of indifference and opposition. 

You can reduce the amount of indifference and opposition from your teenager if you improve your skills. Teenagers often behave in ways which make it difficult for us to give them what they need most - love and acceptance. You can't change your teenager, but you can change what you do - and how you behave differently, it often results in the other person matching you and altering their behaviour themselves. 

Use open questions

Using open questions is another vital tool in making communicating with teenagers easier. A closed question stops communication rather than starts it. Closed questions are questions you can answer with a yes or no, such as 'are you going out? Closed questions only need a short answer and don't give the opportunity to say any more. Closed questions can suggest or even tell the person what you want them to hear. 'Did you have a good time at school today?' implies that you expect them to have enjoyed school. When we use closed questions as a way of making a criticism - about their appearance, behaviour, attitude - it's quite clear the question isn't to be answered but swallowed. And it's often a quick step to an argument. 

Instead, try an opener instead. An opener carries with it a different messages, one that says, 'Tell me more, I'm interested and listening.' Some examples of open questions are, 'Tell me about your day', 'You seem fed up/happy, tell me about it.'

Share something

If you want your teenager to feel relaxed and happy about sharing their concerns and feelings with you, it helps to be open yourself. This doesn't mean offloading your teenager with worries that would frighten them or be inappropriate for them to know. Young people look to parents to be in control and all-knowing. As they become teenagers, if you keep up a facade of never having problems yourself, barriers may emerge between you and your teenager. They may begin to feel incompetent - that they have all these worries which no one else seems to share, they may think that you don't share their feelings and therefore can't appreciate them. When your teenager shouts 'You don't understand', they are often speaking from the heart and really feel you can't understand what they are going through. A third barrier may arise if they know that you have as many anxieties as they do but won't admit it and they are unwilling to open up to you because they see you as insincere, hypocritical and in denial. 

Practise what you preach

One way to lose your teenager's trust or belief is to tell them to do one thing while breaking the rules yourself. Lectures on alcohol and drugs may fall on deaf ears if you drink and partake, even if you think it's different. They may reject your advice on the grounds that you do it too. They may also decide that since you ignore your own rules on one issues that they can ignore what you say about other things too. Modelling good behaviour to them will always be more effective than preaching it. 

Appreciate your teenager for their positive qualities

We can all find things we dislike about our teenagers: their messy rooms, treating the house like a hotel and they spend too much time on the phone or their computer. But if that's all you see, you may find it hard to get on. What helps is to make the positive effort to see what you like about them: their enthusiasm and liveliness, their kindness and concern, their sense of humour. Look for the positives and remind yourself of these every time you're tempted to be angry or upset with them over something you feel they've done or not done. 

The power of praise

We all need to be rewarded, to be praised and thanked and appreciated. Sometimes we forget how much we need to value others and to be valued by them. Counsellors call the sort of action that gives a lift to morale 'a stroke'. Strokes can be spoken - telling someone that you love them, thanking them for helping you or saying that you value them. Or they can be shown by contact - hugging or kissing someone or giving them a back rub. Or they can be acted out - making them a cup of tea, giving them a small present or doing a chore you know they'd like done. Sit down and think about the strokes you think your teenager would like to receive, or what you'd like to give. Check out the ones you could give - try them out or as your teenager if they'd like them. Also tell them what you'd appreciate. Keep the communication going by agreeing to give each other at least one stroke a day.

Understand and take action only when asked for help

Communication with teenagers is boosted tremendously when they feel you understand them and what they are going through, and it rises to a new level when they trust you to butt out when necessary. There are times when they may want you to intervene and there will obviously be times when they want you to give advice and support. But in both cases, the relationship will be better and the invitation to help more likely if they know you will wait for the request, not jump in or assume it's your right and your place to do so.