Self harm

Understanding self-harm

By injuring themselves, children and young people are asserting a form of self-control on their life which they feel is otherwise chaotic and meaningless. Self-harm is a way of coping and of channelling frustration and other strong emotions. In most cases, it is not a suicide attempt, but rather a way to ease pressure and tension.

Apart from the physical symptoms of self-harm, there are other clues to watch out for if you are concerned about your child. Your child may seem very down and talk about being a failure or feeling unhappy. They may take to wearing many layers of clothes or trying to hide or downplay injuries. Eating disorders and disrupted sleep patterns are both seen to be linked to self-harming.  

The urge to self-harm can be very hard to resist and can become addictive. To recover and move forward, it is necessary to gain an understanding of the behaviour and develop coping strategies to help deal with the situations and emotions that lead to self-harm.

Discovering your child is self-harming is shocking for a parent. Parents may feel an array of emotions and not know what steps to take to help their teenager. Hard as it might be, parents need to put their own feelings to one side and concentrate on the reasons behind their child’s self-harm rather than the self-harm itself.

Keeping your teen safe

While most scratches and bruises can be dealt with in a first-aid type manner any serious injuries or anything to do with heat or medicines should get prompt medical attention and a discussion with the young person about the physical nature of the self-injury. Let them know that you are there for them and want to keep them safe. Put some clear boundaries in place, including your teen being open and seeking help from you.  

Supporting your teen

It is normal to have real fears for your child. But the key is to open up communication and build trust so your child can talk to you about these underlying issues. If you think your teen is self-harming, you may be wondering how to bring up this issue.

It may help to work on improving your relationship. Take time out once a week to sit down together and generally chat about what’s good and bad in their life. Ask them about their day, their friendships, and other general things. If your child gives one-worded answers, try a different environment. Go out somewhere together for a chat. You don’t have to raise self-injury in the first conversation, but you could raise it later. The child might say something to which you can gently ask ‘Is that why you’ve been hurting yourself?’

If you have spoken to your teen and they are still self-harming, then it is important to understand that it is not easy for them to just stop. Self-injury isn’t something you can stop because of will power or because you have decided. Nor is it a cry for help or attention-seeking. Your child is having trouble dealing with emotions and, for now, this is the only way they can deal with them.

Trying to physically restrain your child or prevent them from harming is the worst thing you can do. If a young person feels they are being prevented from doing what they need to do, it can drive the behaviour underground, so they are less likely to seek help - or they are likely to feel more out of control. And when they feel out of control, they are more likely to harm themselves in a worse way. This is not condoning the fact they are self-harming, but it is accepting that this is where they are now.

Parents may have to accept that their child might not want to talk to them about it and may never give an explanation. All you can do is assure them your love is unconditional. If they can’t talk to you, help them find someone they can talk to. However, if your child does confide, don't dismiss or trivialise their worries. 

It’s important that however bad parents think things are, they are hopeful of change. Believe and keep believing in your child’s capacity to overcome it. Then they’ll feel that too. That sounds clichéd but it makes a big difference. The biggest thing that people who self-harm say they want to hear is ‘it’ll be ok.