Parenting with an addiction

Childhood

Many people who live with an addiction may have had difficult and chaotic childhoods including:

• Absent parents
• Issues around identity
• Experienced neglect or abuse

Your parents may have had an addiction and children can be four times more likely to have an addiction if one or more of their parents has an active addiction. The cycle of addiction is not just the dependence, addiction, withdrawal, craving, relapse, for the parent, but also a generational cycle. Addiction is not hereditary, but a behaviour that is learned.

The impact of addiction on your child

A child who has a parent with an active addiction may feel isolated from their peers and have little or no self-esteem and confidence. They may be worried that something is going to happen to their parent, and this will most likely impact other areas of their life such as school life and friendships.

They may feel like they must take on the caring role for younger brothers and sisters, and even their parents which can put a huge burden on them and affect their mental and emotional health. A parent’s addiction can restrict a child’s development and social interactions, even if you try to hide it from them.

Being honest

The basis of any addiction is the separation from you and your reality. Your real emotions may have been too hurtful or uncomfortable to confront and this may be the reason you have become overwhelmed by addictive behaviours. It is important that you are honest about your emotions with the people who are close to you, including your child, if they are old enough to understand. Honesty will begin to heal the emotional connection and give you the strength to get support from professionals. 

Try to explain to your children, in an age-appropriate way, that your addiction is an illness. Reassure them that your behaviours are not their fault, that you are in recovery, and will continue to get help for however long it takes.

Accessing help and support

If you are struggling with addiction, try to get help to recover, as soon as possible. Addiction to drugs or alcohol may need medical advice to support you, as there are major health implications to stopping suddenly. 

Recovery is not simply just giving up your behaviour, as these addictions have developed over time as a way of coping. It will be a painful process as the addiction may have covered up unresolved emotions and trauma that you have experienced in the past. To be able to address this, you need to feel supported and connected with your loved ones and your support network. 

Support will be available to help you to face and deal with life’s challenges, so you no longer need to resort to behaviour that isn’t helping you and has taken control. You may need to address the underlying root causes, by looking at your past and the impact it has on your present. 

Other organisations that can help

If you live in Hertfordshire, Hertfordshire.gov.uk is your first port of call for detox and rehabilitation or other support you may need. The Living Room can support you through free, peer support, group therapy facilitated by trained counsellors with lived experience of recovery.  The Living Room provides daytime, non-time-limited community rehabilitation for all addictions, for adults.  We also offer peer support therapy groups for adult family members and carers of someone with an addiction.  Working with Family Lives and Relate, they can help you to access relationship and parenting support to help you on your recovery journey, to support the whole family.

The NHS website has lots of helpful information about addiction to drugs and alcohol.

With You is a charity providing free, confidential support to people experiencing issues with drugs, alcohol or mental health.

Please visit our useful links and click on addiction for other organisations that can help.

This article was written by Adrienne Arthurs, Chief Executive Officer and contribution from Debbie Coote, Clinical Lead, from The Living Room.