Resolving arguments in a stepfamily

What is bad behaviour really about?

Children often find it hard to understand or explain their feelings. So, they tend to ‘act them out’. Children need to have their own response to the new family acknowledged. If children ‘defy’ you, it’s better to dive under the behaviour to understand what’s going on than get into a head to head fight. All behaviour is a way of getting what you need. Bad behaviour is actually a way of trying to show bad feelings.

Why children fight to get control

When families break up and reform, children can feel utterly powerless. This can lead to their trying to gain some control and exercise some choice in their lives, often with drastic and sometimes confusing effect. The original meaning of the word ‘discipline’ is ‘to teach’. Discipline is something we do to help children learn. And the best way to get children to behave in ways that please us is to help them understand what they actually want and need, and to see how they can get those needs met in ways that don’t upset other people. Respond to the underlying need rather than the ‘bad behaviour’ and the child’s reason for behaving that way melts away.

Getting our own needs met

The best way of ‘disciplining’ children is often to set out to help, not punish them. It may not seem like it sometimes, but children want to please their parents and win their approval. When they feel we have understood what they need, and can understand us in turn, they have the incentive to change. If you can tell them clearly what you want and why, and respect and listen to them, you’ll get a better result than simply coming down hard on them. Whenever you find yourself feeling fraught the best strategy is to say to the other person

• “When …(describe the situation)
• I feel…(describe your emotions)
• Because…(explain why the situation makes you feel this way)
• What I would like is…(give a clear and direct description of what you’d prefer)

How to put a name to feelings

All of us have feelings. At times, we feel happy, sad, angry, rejected, confused and much more. However, many of us have picked up from parents and other influences the idea that some feelings are ‘bad’. Feeling angry is often seen to be unacceptable; so is being jealous. When we have these feelings we feel guilty or blame others. In reality, all feelings are natural and having them is normal. Feelings are just feelings – we can’t help them and there’s no shame in having them. What we can help is what we do about them.

Often, we can’t deal with the emotion we are feeling because we don’t know what it really is. Children particularly can find it hard to put into words what they are actually experiencing. Using this technique can help you and anyone else isolate, understand and put a name to the feelings.

Get some slips of paper and write out all the ‘feeling’ words you can think of, like ‘angry’ ‘cheerful’, ‘abandoned’, ‘scared’, ‘secure’, or whatever you can come up with. Spread them out and talk them through to pinpoint the word that best describes what you are feeling. You or the other person may be angry. Or, you might be feeling abandoned or worried or embarrassed. Once you know what it is you can discuss why the feelings are there and what you might do about it. Simply acknowledging the real emotion and realising you don't have to feel guilty for having it can help and often makes the feeling diminish or lose its power.

Sometimes this is enough. Other times, we may need to help our children sort out what they are going to do once the first flush of emotions has died down.